It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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