you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
