im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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