There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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