Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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