see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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