So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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