sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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