I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
