dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
