3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you will always have a special place in my vag
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
