im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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