i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
50% drunk capacity currently
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
