I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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