Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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