how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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