My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
