i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
