It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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