Well douche your snatch and let's go!
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
