the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
