My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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