you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
