Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
