It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
