Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize