I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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