Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
