my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
