even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
