Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
