im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
