It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
