so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
