all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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