my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Randomize
