It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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