Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
