we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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