i just wanna soil my oats bro
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
