the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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