Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize