a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
either way he was missing a nipple.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I smell like Dick and happiness
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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