i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
