I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
When did we convert life to cartoon?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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