he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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