all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
