Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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