Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize