i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
