totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
