I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
