well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
