She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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