I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Four minutes until I can fart!
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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