I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
