miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
