Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
