And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
