i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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