Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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