the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
