I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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